| My boyfriend rejects me so much - emotionally, physically - and I think it's worse than being wanted. Constantly being pushed away, told to "fuck off, cunt!" and being ignored in place of porn is demoralising & makes me miserable. When I'm skinny, then he'll want me. Then he won't ignore me, or reject me. So, today, to kick start my new regime, and make myself feel better, I am going on a liquid fast. I am allowed all liquids, though I'll try to avoid dairy; (tea, coffee, red bull, diet coke, water water water, juice [esp. tomato juice], soup). If I really feel as though I need to munch on something - it has been several months since I last fasted - I'll grab a carrot or some celery. (Edit, 12.30pm) My boyfriend and I have had... troubles, over the last few weeks. Yesterday I had a conversation with him that I'd been planning for over a week. I said that I knew/know I need to change, but that if that is the case, so does he. I said that just because I have some mental issues, that does not mean everything is my fault, and is not justification for him laying all the blame at my feet. I said that I need him to respect me, and my life. He agreed, we hugged it out. Yet this morning we got into a spat, he called me an "idiot" and kept saying it, over & over. I asked him to stop and said I would be willing to have a conversation, but that through insults at one another is not productive. He refused to stop, and so I broke up with him. There & then, on the spot. He said I should take the day to think, and we'd discuss it tomorrow (I'll be at work until 11pm). I do want to be with him, but I want to be with the him that I met, that I fell in love with, that I knew at the beginning of our relationship. Things have changed - he's less caring, less respectful, less sensitive; he doesn't listen, nor does he want to. It's demoralising and so, so upsetting. In the wake of the argument I ate a chocolate bar (I am weak, I know; I can't control anything in my life). I don't know what to do, I want to be with him, but I hate the way we are now. I do still love him, but I can't be someone who doesn't respect me, can I? 
Liquid fast
12am 1am 2am 3am 4am 5am 6am 7am 8am 9am 10am 11am
12pm 1pm 2pm 3pm 4pm 5pm 6pm 7pm 8pm 9pm 10pm 11pm [ ] Liquid fast
[ ] Tidy room
[ ] Pick up parcel from Post Office (closed, go on Monday)
[ ] Pick up parcel(s) from number 18
[ ] Work; 6pm-11pm in: chocolate bar [185] |
